Steve had met a really attractive woman at a bar. They'd had quite a few drinks and the conversation had taken a very interesting turn.
"I can tell how a man will make love to me by the way he unlocks his door," she said.
"Really? How?"
She said: "If he shoves his key in the lock and yanks the door open, that means he is a rough lover and not for me. If he fumbles around and can't find the keyhole, then he's an inexperienced lover, and so that's no good either. Tell me, Steve," she said, looking into his eyes, "how do you unlock your door?"
"First, I like to lick the lock ..."
(Thanks Clare, you win Star Prize of the week. Tell us if you'd prefer some funny books, some chick-lit or some children's books and give us a postal address.)

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day, but through a bureaucratic mistake, Clinton was sent to heaven while the Pope got sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation, his paperwork was checked, and the clerk realised there was a mistake and called the Devil, who was very apologetic.
"I'm afraid, Your Holiness, that it will take us 24 hours to complete the forms and make the switch."
Next day, with everything completed, the Pope arrived at the pearly gates, where he met Clinton who was on his way down.
"I'm sorry about this mix-up, Bill," said the Pope.
"No problem," said Clinton. "I'm sure you'll have a great time in heaven. I sure did."
"Yes, I'm very excited about finally getting to heaven," said the Pope. "All my live I've been praying to the Virgin Mary, and now I'm finally going to meet her!"
Clinton grinned and shrugged, "Ooops! Sorry! I'm afraid you're a day too late!"
(Thanks Tom)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
(Thanks Karen)

A man wakes up in his hospital bed after a long and difficult operation.
Soon afterwards, the consultant who operated on him arrives at his bedside on his morning rounds, with several medical students following.
"So ..." says the man hesitantly, "how did my operation go?"
The surgeon looks at him and says, "Well we've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles."
"And the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow."
(Thanks Nadia)

Real Madrid are asking Man United for a refund of the £80 million they forked out for Ronaldo. Their coach visited Broadmead Primark and found you only really need to spend £4.99 to pick up a big girl's blouse.
(Thanks Richard and Jacky)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."
(You're gonna love me for this...)
The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
(Thanks Nick)

Q. What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan?
A. The Talibanana.
(Thanks Mel)

This Maths test can predict your all-time most watched film - mine was Forrest Gump.
Try it without looking at the answers, it works!
Pick a number from 1-9, then multiply it by 3, then add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film, it is; ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
1. Gone with the wind
2. Aliens
3. Oliver
4. Star wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. Gay leather-clad arse-bandit rent boys go wild in Frankfurt 10. Mary Poppins (Thanks Jack)

Star Wars euphemisms for w**king:
- Grooming the wookie
- Polishing Vaders helmet
- Evacuating Tatooine
- Unsheathing the light-sabre
- Releasing the special edition
- Jumping to light speed
- Communicating with red leader one
- Light-sabre practice with Captain Solo
- Tinkering with the R2 unit
- Performing the Jedi hand trick
- Scratching Yoda behind the ears
- Test firing the Death Star.
(Thanks Mick. As it's topical and all, you win this week's star prize of the Andy Williams DVD. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Q. What's E.T. short for?
A. Because he has little legs
(Thanks Lewis J S)

Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
(Thanks Happy Slapper)

A cucumber, a pickle and a cock were bemoaning their lot in life. The cucumber complained: "My life really sucks, when I get big and fat and juicy, they're gonna cut me up and toss me in a salad."
The pickle replied "You think you got it bad? When I get big and fat and juicy, they cover me with pickle and spices and throw me in a jar."
The cock looked at the cucumber and the pickle and said "You think that's rough? When I get big and fat and juicy, they pull a rubber tent over my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
(Thanks Toni)

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
(This joke is sponsored by http://www.nakedguides.co.uk "quality books for discerning punters")

A worried young woman goes to the doctor.
"Doctor," she says, "I am having a really tough time, I have really really big breasts and it hurting my back and I cant find any clothes to fit. Can I have breast reductions on the NHS?"
The doctor says, "in some cases you can but it depends on a few things."
"He asked her for her height and a few other things.
"Right, please take your top off now, I will have to weigh your breasts before I can decide."
She did so and he grabbed both her boobs and said, "WWOHHAAAAYYY!"
(Thanks Jo)

1) Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
2) Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3) Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway
South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
4) Turn left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow
for 0.3 miles
5) Turn left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport
Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
6) Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for
29.2 miles
7) Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
8) "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
9) Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for
104.0 miles
10) "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287) " - follow for 2.8 miles
11) Continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
12) Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
13) Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5
miles
14) Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for
1.7 miles
15) Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40) " - follow for 0.1
miles
16) Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
That's the way to Amarillo! Now, stop singing that bloody song!
(Thanks Jack)